Hush Jared

@hushjared.bsky.social

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I’m going to overcome dyslexia or try dying.
Conversational in sarcasm. Bill Nye, I’m coming for your ass!

Find my skeets at this link: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:rplkkgeiyw4ndoqhbuqxotyx/feed/aaalqibln62cu

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Hush Jared

Million dollar idea: a beach blanket the length of a human person

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Hush Jared

okay, but, how much do we *need* a president?

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Hush Jared

No, I don't eat a lot of red meat. It turns brown when I cook it.

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Hush Jared

i gave mine a little hat

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Hush Jared

[meeting identical twins] Which one of you is better

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Hush Jared

Mike’s hard knock life (for us)

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Hush Jared

hey hey, come on. it’s really not a big deal, it happens to lots of guys! don’t forget, you are made perfect by your soul’s connection to the divine. who cares that you nutted all over the cushions, in the face of perfect love and light?

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Hush Jared

Well well well, if it isn't the FREAK and the SMOKESHOW. How are you Jim? Carol, you look lovely. How'd you pull this one off, buddy? Punching way above your weight! Was expecting a fucking DOGFACE to match yours, but Carol's actually halfway decent. You paying her? How much are you paying her, Jim?

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Hush Jared

I will stop mid argument to take a bite of my cheeseburger and fries.

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Hush Jared

She’s a 10 but she levitates in her sleep and insults you in a dead language

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Hush Jared

Careful please, that’s a load-bearing delusion

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Hush Jared

HILF (homie I’d like to flatter)

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Hush Jared

Docs ask how many concussions you had/when they happened and it's like c'mon all I know is that I got hit a lot in my memory spot

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Hush Jared

Alliteration shouldn’t dictate what you have for dinner. Have tacos on Wednesday. No one cares.

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Hush Jared

I'm embarrassed to tell people this, but my dog will calm down if you whisper "bravado avocado" in his ear. It's the only phrase that works, his emotional cheat code. Bravado avocado.

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Hush Jared

my dog shakes his head in the middle of guests on my porch sending giant dog drool flying. They yell "eww!" and he gets so excited they're celebrating him he can't stop wagging his tail

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Hush Jared

The way I act when I have a crush is very not on brand

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Hush Jared

dated this guy he took me to meet his parents they asked me what i like to do i said cocaine mostly how about you and they told me to go home

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Hush Jared

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night. Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn't happen to huma-

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Hush Jared

There’s a frog in Africa that breaks its toes and shoves the bones out through its skin for a weapon when it is scared and i also do this

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Hush Jared

Grimm Bro: I'm imagining a wolf stalking & eating a girl — Grimm Bro2: Write that down to read to children

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Hush Jared

Music Fact: The Clash was not named to invoke images of violent confrontation, but rather due to their penchant for wearing striped shirts with polka dot trousers.

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Hush Jared

everyone is fighting some kind of battle sucker punch them while they’re focused on the other battle

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Hush Jared

they way light mode shines on your maniacal face in the dark

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Hush Jared

God: When the humans are alone, they should be able to hear music in their heads sometimes. Angel: That's a lovely idea. God: And it should be a 8 second loop of a song they don't really like and can't exactly remember the lyrics to. Angel: ... God: There's no way to make it stop.

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Hush Jared

He’ll thaw my frozen uncrustable sandwich under his balls.. kind of love.

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Hush Jared

Once you accept, truly in your heart, that the laundry is never done, then you will know peace.

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Hush Jared

MARK ANTONY: friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! FRIENDS: okay ROMANS: fine COUNTRYMEN: sure MARK ANTONY: i have come to bury caesar, not to praise him FRIENDS: i can’t hear anything ROMANS: is he talking right now COUNTRYMEN: what

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Hush Jared

Being calm is not the issue. Remaining calm is a different story.