Hush Jared

@hushjared.bsky.social

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I’m going to overcome dyslexia or try dying.
Conversational in sarcasm. Bill Nye, I’m coming for your ass!

Find my skeets at this link: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:rplkkgeiyw4ndoqhbuqxotyx/feed/aaalqibln62cu

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Dude Diligence

they’re living in the future

The best gift I ever got my fiancée was a shower squeegee for me to use

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Hush Jared

(seeing the email signature “Regards,”) are you mad at me

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Hush Jared

Is someone working on a pill that feels like waking up well rested?

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Hush Jared

Which one of you fuckers taped over my vhs copy of the “Who’s the Boss?” series finale?

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Hush Jared

asking my doctor if never working another day in my entire life is right for me

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Hush Jared

This is now a vegetable pun account, lettuce romaine calm.

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Hush Jared

They should make watermelons that taste like watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

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Hush Jared

If you aren’t familiar with the Lone Ranger then he’s the Lone Stranger

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Hush Jared

Books

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Hush Jared

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it's now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

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Hush Jared

the technology exists to identify a face why can't we use that to mute a face

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Hush Jared

Congratulations on your gold medal in the long distance grudge hold. Talk about stamina.

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Hush Jared

"Hi Mom. Yeah, I'm still at Christopher's house. We were playing on this wheel he has and it's SO COOL! Anyway, his mother wants to know if I can stay for dinner. What? Grilled cheese, I think. Wait, I'll ask. My mom wants to know if you have any lactose-free."

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Hush Jared

*dropping through your ceiling and crashing through your desk* are you mad at me?

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Hush Jared

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

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Hush Jared

Ranch lip gloss is how I caught my last three husbands

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Hush Jared

Disappearing into the forest is always an option.

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Hush Jared

I only masturbate when it’s my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

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Hush Jared

new novelty bagel shop name: Schmear My Hole

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Hush Jared

Pls take me off the invite list for your wedding or funeral unless I can hang on a cross singing Always Look On the Bright Side of Life

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Hush Jared

If you didn't want me to use my Ethel Merman voice in the bedroom why'd you say you're the top and anything goes?

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Hush Jared

My job's cybersecurity training said to "never assume a connection is real" and I was like I'm WAY ahead of you, pal

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Hush Jared

It would probably take a while to realize if a spider hung himself.

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Hush Jared

Me and the fellas scampering past your trail cam

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Hush Jared

telling me i made my bed and now i have to lie in it isn’t the threat people think i’m already in there lmao

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Hush Jared

Pfft kids these days are so weak. Back in my day we drank mercury and died horrible deaths

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Hush Jared

a cool thing to say before doin a kickflip would be: "i think i'm gonna be sick"

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Hush Jared

me and my bird friends are regurgitating food into each others mouths to simulate a loving home

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Hush Jared

if u do not have anything nice to say well sometimes u are not wrong