Your Honor, pls

@mrmambo.bsky.social

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I came back from nirvana......for this?

The problem with existential crises is that the people most in need of one are the least susceptible to having one. Maybe they should be mandated like vaccines.

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Haaaaa get fucked Le Pen

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Your Honor, pls

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Phil Lewis

AL spending their covid money on a prison !

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Your Honor, pls

Old men be like “what kinda work do you do son” and it’s like I dunno the shitty kind gramps

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Your Honor, pls

I always cut the plastic soda rings for sea turtles even though they probably wouldn't give me the time of day.

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Your Honor, pls

Being an outstanding parent involves pressuring your kid to work at retail stores where you want to abuse the employee discount.

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Your Honor, pls

Fair thee well, you piece of shit.

"Authors who mention the oracle include Aeschylus, Aristotle, Clement of Alexandria, Diodorus, Diogenes, Euripides, Herodotus, Julian, Justin, Livy, Lucan, Nepos, Ovid, Pausanias, Pindar, Plato, Plutarch, Sophocles, Strabo, Thucydides, and Xenophon" in a Daffy Duck accent.

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Your Honor, pls

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Your Honor, pls

Believe in yourself, you dumb motherfucker.

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Your Honor, pls

Seems I have once again hemmed when I should’ve hawed

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Your Honor, pls

Given the average American’s lifespan in 1789, any true constitutional originalist should refuse a lifetime appointment past their 40th birthday.

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Your Honor, pls

combining mental health with cardio by river dancing my phone to smithereens

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Your Honor, pls

It's fun watching young people make all the terrible decisions I used to make while I standby and do nothing.

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Your Honor, pls

Alexa is saying a bunch of random shit in the other room. It's like we're fucking married or something.

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Your Honor, pls

Me, flirting with clown: So, does the carpet match the drapes

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Your Honor, pls

Reply to

Wm Matthew

👀😆 omg 😉

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Your Honor, pls

I just saw a guy filling up at the Costco gas station in a god damn pith helmet

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Your Honor, pls

Thanks dramatic bowel movement, you complete me.

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Your Honor, pls

[my sister giving directions to her house] "there's a squirrel climbing a big tree in the front yard"

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Your Honor, pls

pharmacist: can you spell out the name of the prescription you want refilled please? me: absolutely, it’s C-H-E-E-T-O-S

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Your Honor, pls

ME: i can’t drink this it’s expired WIFE: it’s just natural spring water ME: it’s summer now carol

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Your Honor, pls

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Your Honor, pls

when you put it like that, you've talked me into in, them doors got to go! 🫶

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Your Honor, pls

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Your Honor, pls

this is a great idea save for the fact I am a huge knob myself what do you have against my kind? why can't we all push pull together, your honor, pls

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Your Honor, pls

Who out there snagging their cargo shorts on every cabinet door knob they pass?

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Your Honor, pls

If I’ve done anything right in this life it’s not stealing other people’s jokes and passing them off as my own for attention on the internet.

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Your Honor, pls

In October 2018, I was sick at home and had too a little too much cold medicine. So I decided to live tweet “O*tlander” a show I’d heard some good things about. Nothing will prepare you for the saga that unfolded.

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Your Honor, pls

I asked the hotel for a wake up call and they told me my skinny jeans and red parka make me look like a lollipop

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Your Honor, pls

This made my morning

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Your Honor, pls

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Your Honor, pls

You’re punching 3 feet too high. Hit him where it really counts. He’ll scream like a 6 year old.