Mortimer Langford

@mortimerlangford.bsky.social

861

Posts

34 year old recovering Scorpio. Married. Author. IT guy. Unwilling disciple of chaos.
He/Him

Buy my damn book:
https://books2read.com/u/bW5WLx

Learning Portuguese? Here you go:
https://books2read.com/u/3LN2ZD

Posts Replies Media

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Mortimer Langford

I think I’ve come up with a plan

remake a movie with shrek and make it better Shreknado

remake a movie with shrek and make it better Reservoir Shreks

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Mortimer Langford

Thinking about how this was the funniest shit ever

JK Rowling is so deeply transphobic that even Elon Musk is telling her to lighten up a bit 🫠

Your honor, legislate deez nuts.

Your honor, with all due respect, I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

Go into your photo roll or whatever and post the first image that makes you laugh literally out loud.

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Mortimer Langford

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Mortimer Langford

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Mortimer Langford

good news everyone. ive found a job im really passionate about and i start next week. i will be killing people for Boeing

My parents have read my cyberpunk novel that features a sex scene. I don't know why they still love me.

Realistic petplay where you have to spray me with the water bottle because I won't stop chasing the cat around even when she darts under the bed

Realistic petplay where you collect lots of rings and colored vials and are a hedgehog and throw me around in a funny playground thats themed lime hell

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Mortimer Langford

if i really wanted to watch two old men argue I'd watch these guys

I'm not going to waste my time watching the seniors argue on TV. However, there are two outcomes that I feel would be beneficial for this country: Either some form of heart attack/stumble, or the two choking each other in since kind of cantankerous old man fight.

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Mortimer Langford

My "Billie Jean is not my lover" song is raising a lot of questions already answered by my "Billie Jean is not my lover" song

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Mortimer Langford

capitalism truly does breed innovation. for example: using the power of capitalism, the supreme court has innovated new and exciting forms of corruption

Oh, is it a day that ends in "y" again? The "y" stands for "y the fuck can't things get better?!?"

Happy Dissociation From Current Events Day to all who celebrate!!!

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Mortimer Langford

who needs coffee when you can begin your day by stepping barefoot on a thistle?

Every Castlevania save file I have is titled "Buttpire" ("I vant to suck your butt!"). I give my pokemon upsetting names like "Zap Bitch" and my wife chastises me whenever I name my RPG character "Mr. Bitches" or "Fuckwit." The world is falling apart. Normalize being silly geese with our escapism.

I have no restraint whenever a game lets me name stuff. It's where my dirtiest sense of humor shines. Nothing like playing a city builder and some npc comes up and says "Buttstuff is looking better and better every day!" Squeenix characters like "stanky queef," naming link "fa****," stuff like that

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Mortimer Langford

my favorite midwest emo song

spilled weed in the rental car

If you feel like life could be more exciting, then just do what I do: Add a scene to both of your novels in which the main character has a bad shroom/LSD trip, and include a threesome sex scene involving a trans woman. Do this while knowing full well your parents are going to read these books.

goooooooooood morning campers and welcome to trash tuesday. just like a comet it’s here now and who knows when it’ll be back again so give it all you got show me those brain worms and let’s have some fun

OK, so how long will it be before I'm inundated with jokes about Nancy Reagan knowing how to "HWUAK TUEH!"?

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Mortimer Langford

Me and my wife saw you from across the bar and she was wondering if you'd like to play a game...

POV: You're laying in bed, ready to go to sleep, but you have psychophisiological insomnia.

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Mortimer Langford

Trump Family Takes Adorable Birthday Pictures Of Donald’s Face Covered In Cakewww.theonion.com The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

Hey, is this why people are starting to get quiet about Rafah?

Discworld QOTD, from Monstrous Regiment “Stopping a battle is much harder than starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout ‘Attack!’ but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy.”

Replacing everything with AI is the dumbest thing companies can do because they never work the way people want, they're far too difficult to understand, and companies are too eager to use them as an excuse to cut jobs. We need to stop them from cutting corners and wasting money on this bullshit.

What’s the most boomer complaint you have?

Make a band milder: Chastise Against the Machine

Make a band milder: They Might Be Tall

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Mortimer Langford

monogamy pride flag

Sometimes I get paranoid about my writing because while I'm good at dialog, I'm not so good at descriptions and poetic prose. But then I see stuff like this and I give myself some slack for being better than I give myself credit for.

That’s . . . a lot of metaphors.

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Mortimer Langford

lol lmao

I love stupidly niche, convoluted memes that require 2 hours of explanation